Excerpts

THREE SHEETS TO THE WIND: 1. An old nautical phrase that referred not to the sails on a ship, but to the ropes that held the sails in place. When all three sheets were not tied down, the sails would flap in the wind and the boat would wobble as it left the harbor. 2. To be inebriated to the point that you wobble when you walk, like a ship without its sheets secured. 3. A book and television show about drinking.   How to Use This Book   There are two types of tourists: the kind that plan their vacation out and the kind that fly by the seat of their pants. If you're the former, your last overseas vacation probably consisted of zipping about, hitting as many monuments, museums, and scenic overlooks as you could fit into your typed-out itinerary. You probably picked up a guidebook with a foldout map and had a preplanned schedule to make sure you made the most of each day. If you're the latter, you probably spent a few minutes on the Internet, looking at pretty pictures of where you were going. You probably thought "whatever happens, happens." Then you realized that all of the hotels were booked, so you fell asleep in the train station, and when you woke up someone handed you a euro because they thought you were homeless--which you essentially were.   This book is exactly what both kinds of travelers need. But instead of focusing on the typical tourist traps, it will tell you how to have a unique experience in whatever country you visit. Instead of statues of dictators, go in search of the elusive Zubrówka, illegal in America but very popular in Poland. Instead of a tour bus to the middle of the spring break area of Mexico, take a Tequila Train to the heart of tequila-making country. In my search for the best places to drink, and the best things in the world to drink, I've tasted the finest champagnes and cognacs in their respective regions in France and learned from master vintners about how they are made. I've knocked back 100-proof kaoliang infused with snake blood in Taipei and I've sipped Scotch that will set you back a cool ten thousand dollars a bottle in Scotland. I've tried a dozen varieties of vodka in Poland, visited a bar in Belgium that serves more than two thousand beers, and traced the path of the Malbec grape from France to Argentina. I met some really incredible people along the way. I learned some fascinating things about the world--and the way the world drinks. And now you can share in the reward of all of my "hard work."   Spend a hundred dollars on a bus tour and you'll see the land and learn about its history. Spend a hundred in a pub buying a few rounds and you'll learn about the people who made the land and who live the history.   Sure, statues and monuments that pay homage to a country's wars, plagues, and famines say a lot about the people who live there. And you can often find a fine adventure if you just aimlessly bumble about and hope for the best. But the best way to learn about the people who live in a particular place is not by observing their history, or learning about the people who died off years ago, but by talking with the people who live there now. And in my experience, nothing works better as a social lubricant and as a way to get people to open up than buying a round. You'll get some great advice about where the locals eat and drink, will probably get invited to hang out with them again, and will most likely make some friends for life. Not bad for the price of a drink.   The Book   This isn't a traditional guidebook. This book will paint a picture of what drinking in a country or region is like and hopefully inspire you to journey to some of the amazing places that I've had the privilege to visit. I'll speak of specific locations and customs, but don't expect to see any detailed maps, hotel recommendations, or tips on how to get around town. There are other books out there for that. What I can promise is to give you some really good reasons to go to some really cool places and to have a few libations while you're there.   I'll even buy you one myself: On a trip to Scotland, I was made a member of the Craigellachi Whisky Club at the Quaich Bar in the Craigellachi Hotel of Speyside. I keep a bottle of Glenfiddich 18 in the case. If you stop by the bar, mention that you're a friend of mine and help yourself to a nip from my bottle.   Why do I get to spend so much time wearing down my passport and get paid for something that everyone else would pay to do? For the past few years, I have hosted a television show, Three Sheets, which has sent me to locations across the globe to engage in foreign drinking customs and befriend the people who partake in them. My "job" has taken me to more than fifty countries, where I have visited countless watering holes, drunk innumerable libations, and had my share of debilitating hangovers. I've traveled around the world, drinking ... so you don't have to. The most common question I'm asked is "What's your favorite drink?" My response is "Usually, the drink that I'm drinking." When you're enjoying someone's drink of choice, in the place where it was developed, with the people who revere it, it's difficult to desire anything else at that moment. When someone is so passionate about a beverage, it's difficult to not be affected.   I have one of the best jobs in the world, not only because I am gainfully employed doing something that most people consider a leisure-time activity, but also because when I do it, I get a truly authentic experience from the countries that I visit.   Cast of Characters   Steve McKenna   Throughout this book and while shooting Three Sheets, I often make references to my buddy Steve McKenna. He's one of my closest friends and one of the nicest guys you'd ever meet. However, when Steve drinks, he gets a little nutty. When he hits his threshold of drinks, he becomes a gremlin. It's not unlike Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, although Steve doesn't hold any postgraduate degrees, so he's more like Mr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. His Mr. Jekyll is a guy who would wake up at 5 A.M. to drive you to the airport, would help you move, and would return your car washed and full of gas if he were to borrow it. His Mr. Hyde would drink until 5 A.M., move you to tears, and throw up in your car after having very bad gas in it. His name, completely my doing, has become synonymous with high levels of intoxication. You're buzzed if you get the courage to talk to someone that you wouldn't talk to when you're sober. You're drunk if you try to kiss someone that you wouldn't talk to when you're sober. And you're "Steve McKenna'd" if you lick the face of someone you wouldn't talk to sober. There are several Steve McKenna references in this book. Now you'll know who and what I'm referring to ...   Pleepleus   Pleepleus is the name of the stuffed toy monkey that I bring along with me on my travels. He's been with me in every episode, except for when I left him in a beer bath in the Czech Republic, or when I forgot him completely in Jamaica and Costa Rica. He was originally hidden in the show, as part of the drinking game that people play when they watch Three Sheets on TV, but now Pleepleus occasionally upstages me.   Jim-the-Cop   Jim-the-Cop is another buddy of mine. He was a cop on Long Island, New York, until he got injured on the job and had to retire (it was a back injury, nothing cool like being shot in the leg). So he found ample time to tag along with me for a couple of episodes. The first time he joined me was in Puerto Rico. I challenged him and the owner of Nono's to a chugging contest, to see who could down a glass of beer the fastest. I came in first, and Jim came in last. A few months later we were in New York City shooting an episode at Lederhosen, a great German bar in Greenwich Village. I wanted to give Jim a chance to vindicate himself, so I organized another chugging contest. What was only revealed later was that Jim was advised by his brother to "spill a little beer down his shirt" so he could empty the glass more quickly. Not only did he lose, but he ended up with a spill down his shirt. That day a new expression was born. Now, whenever someone spills a drink, it's said that they "Jim-the-Cop'd."   Drink!   While shooting the first episode of Three Sheets, I thought it would make sense to also make the show a drinking game. A lot of other shows have become drinking games after the fact, such as M*A*S*H and Cheers. You gotta drink when Klinger shows up in women's clothing or when Cliff Claven gives a "little-known fact." But those games were created after the shows were made, and didn't always work. I wanted to create a game so people watching could drink along with me. Why just watch a party on TV when you can party along? The game became a big hit.   Think of the book as an international pub crawl. You don't have to buy a round-the-world ticket and tackle each chapter while you're physically in the region we're discussing. But if you have the means to, I highly recommend it. The alternative way to read this book is to drink along. Three Sheets was the first television show to be deliberately made as a drinking game. So why shouldn't Three Sheets the book follow suit? Not drinking along would be like reading about some great art in a book with no pictures. That's crazy talk! So, the rules for the drinking game, if you care to partake, are as follows: Whenever you read the words drink, drank, or drunk, take a sip. Therefore, if you're playing along, you just took three. Whenever I talk about Steve McKenna, you have to say "Oh, boy ..." out loud and take a sip. And whenever you see Pleepleus hiding on a page, tap him on the head and take a sip! Try not to get Steve McKenna'd and be careful not to Jim-the-Cop!   Excerpted from Three Sheets: 6 Continents, 15 Countries, 190 Drinks, and 1 Mean Hangover! by Zane Lamprey All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.