Cover Page -- Title Page -- Copyright -- Foreword -- 'Evenin' 'all'. -- Custard -- Chatham Chav -- Net -- Grub -- What's in a name? -- Fabergés -- Thoroughbreds -- Sgarborough Hare -- Soul -- Balls -- Guy Fawkes Supper -- Mis en Place or Sleeping with the enemy -- Football -- Tony Cascarino's Scotch Egg -- The See-through bar maid -- Shepherd's Thai -- Tea Time -- Hops -- Call me Ishmael -- Coffee -- Billy Ruffian -- Chips -- Camp Cooking -- Jerk -- Grand -- Mandarin -- Stout -- The Vulgan Death Wallop -- Butter Beans -- Nosey -- Bacon -- Tips for Young Waiters, Parts 1,2 and 3. -- From the Sublime to the Gawd Blimey -- Peanuts -- From the Gawd Blimey to the Sublime -- The Shetland pony AKA the Janquirary Ambuscade -- Under the Volcano -- Beetroot -- Trout -- Wombok -- Black as Newgates Knocker -- Manners -- Tips for Young Waiters, Part 4: -- Putting on the Ritz -- Chicken on a Shovez -- Butchers -- When the boat comes in -- What's it all about? -- Darkness at noon -- Vampire! -- Accidente -- Waiting -- Out of the strong came forth sweetness -- 386 -- Crabs & -- Old Bay Seasoning -- Tea -- Johnny's Birthday -- The Force -- Treacle -- Road Trip -- Be Comforted -- Padron Roulette -- Staff Meal -- Salad Cream -- Mario's Mill Park Moment -- I went on holiday by mistake -- Chromosomes -- Battered Prawns 'a la wanker' -- Kippers vs Bloaters -- Jacob's Bloody Mary -- Stag Beetle Whirligigs -- 20 Quid -- A good fish dish -- Tickling The Ivories -- Plates -- Tips for Yaung Waiters #5 The Granny Stacker & -- The Uxb -- Drunken Sailor Soup -- The Chatham Pony AKA ' The Dreadnought' -- The Mermaid: A Fable -- Blind -- What's it really all about? -- Flovence Daisy Diffey -- Old Folk -- The Man who could fix anything -- Egg Banjo -- Cheers mate all the very best -- Parting Shot -- Back Cover.